Bitter tears
by Kailenth
Summary: After another bad fight, the brothers finally talk. Hurt!Dean, Hurt!Sam, Big Bother!Dean. Spoilers up to The Monster At The End Of This Book. Complete!


Title: Bitter tears

Summary: After another fight, the brothers finally talk. Spoilers up to The Monster At The End Of This Book. Complete!

A/N: So, this is my first attempt at writing Supernatural fanfiction. Actually, this is my first fanfic ever in English. English isn't my first language (or second :P), so my grammar isn't perfect. If there are any mistakes, I'd appreciate if you could inform me. I was going to ask someone who speaks English as their native language to beta this, but I didn't have the nerve. :D

Disclaimer: *laughs* Yeah, right, if I owned them, would I be writing this?

Warnings: Some language... you know Dean.

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**Bitter tears**

Dean sat on the edge of his bed in a crappy hotel room, as usual, changing the TV-channels without actually seeing what was on.

He was waiting for Sam, who, by the way, was late. He had gone to the library to research their latest gig. He could've just used his computer for that but Dean had a feeling he had wanted to get away from his brother. Their latest fight had been a bad one.

Dean sighed and rubbed his face with his hands wearily. The anger had worn off a long time ago and was now replaced by gut-squeezing guilt. They fought a lot these days but this time, he had said some things he wished he could take back.

"_You know what; I do wish I had never made that deal! That would've saved both of us from all this crap. I go to HELL for you and this is what you do to thank me?"_

He'd seen the hurt on Sam's face and had regretted the words immediately after they had left his mouth. The words could've been farther away from the truth. Dean didn't always understand his brother, especially nowadays, but he definitely didn't want him dead. He still loved him more than anything and would do anything for him. Always had and always would.

But unfortunately he couldn't tell Sam that. That would mean telling what was really on his mind, actually _talking _to Sam. And Sam clearly wasn't willing to talk. All Sam was willing to do, was keeping his lies, sneaking away with Ruby when he thought Dean was asleep and using his powers. Even though he had promised not to.

He glanced at his watch. It had been over four hours since his brother had left. This gig was just a simple salt and burn; the research shouldn't have taken that long. The library was just a half a mile away, the trip there hadn't been a long one, even though Sam was on the move by foot. Dean had told him not to take the Impala.

Dean was relived when the door opened and Sam walked in. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Sam looked exactly like when he'd left, grim and hurting but doing a bad at job hiding it. When Sam sulked like that, he reminded him of the old Sammy, Dean thought sadly. These days he hardly ever saw any emotion on his face.

"You're late", Dean said to his brother's back.

Sam didn't reply or acknowledge anyway that he'd heard him, just walked over to his back bag and started to rummage through its contest. Without lifting his gaze, he informed quietly: "Lilith's near by."

Dean snorted quietly to himself. This was probably the reason that the trip had taken so long. Sam had taken a little detour and had a little chat with his demonic bed buddy. "Your demon girlfriend told you that?"

Sam stiffened but didn't anyway acknowledge that he'd heard him. Instead, he zipped his bag, grabbed it and started to move across the room for the door.

"Where are you going?" Dean asked, finally looking directly at Sam.

"I'm going after her."

"You're so not", Dean said angrily, rising off the bed.

"Yes, I am, Dean. And this time I'm not letting her get away", Sam answered, his voice now more firm. Dean took a couple of long steps and caught his arm, forcing him to look at him.

"We're not ready to face Lilith. Look what happened last time."

"If you hadn't shown up, I would've gotten her."

"Sure", Dean snorted. Sam yanked his arm from Dean's grasp.

"I'm going and you can't stop me. This is going to end. Now."

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, startled by the edge in Sam's voice. Sam was staring firmly at the door handle. "What do you mean?" he asked again, more loudly this time. He didn't know why he even bothered, trying to talk to Sam was like trying to make conversation with a brick wall.

"I mean, that I'm either gonna stop her now or die trying", Sam whispered and then added with a sad smile: "Don't worry, I won't take the car." And before Dean could react, Sam had yanked the door open and disappeared into the night.

"Son of a bitch", Dean cursed quietly, grabbed his car keys, and stepped out of the room. He didn't even notice the cold night and the fact that he didn't have his jacket, the only thought in his mind was that his pain in the ass little brother was nowhere in sight.

"SAM!" he called, though he wasn't really expecting an answer. He opened the Impala's door and sat behind the wheel, while grapping his cell phone and pressing speed dial. He waited until he heard the voice mail: _"This is Sam. Leave me a message and I'll call you back -"_

Dean cursed again and started the engine. There were two roads, one leading to the city center, and one leading to the outskirts of town. He had no idea which way Sam had gone. He had to choose fast which way to go. Sam could've have gotten far yet but the Ruby bitch was probably waiting for him somewhere to pick him up.

He chose his way, figuring Lilith wouldn't enjoy the downtown. He hoped to God that he'd catch Sam before he had a chance to go with his suicide mission.

Fortunately, he didn't have to drive that far before he saw the tall, hunched figure pacing by the road. He slowed down so he was driving by him. Sam didn't look up, his facial expression just stiffened. Dean opened the window.

"Sam. Get in the car."

No reaction. He softened his tone. "Please, Sam. We need to talk." He really meant it. It was now time to finally bury the hatchet. Sit down and talk when they still had a chance. Forget about all the crap between them, the freaking angels and the Apocalypse. Just be brothers again.

A gruff and quiet: "No, we don't", was the only answer he got.

"Please", Dean pleaded and stopped the car. Sam stopped too, he looked like he was thinking something over. Dean opened the passenger door and after a while, Sam slumped on the seat, staring stubbornly straight ahead and closed the door after him.

Dean sighed and was quiet for a while. "Why are you so worked up about going after Lilith?" When there was no reply, he added: "You know that's a suicide."

"What do you care, you wish I was dead!" Sam hissed through his teeth and finally looked him in the eye for the first time that day. He looked angry, but he saw hurt in his eyes, that was deeper than ever.

Dean felt his heart ache. How could Sam really think that? Yeah, things had been pretty bad between them and yeah, he had told him that himself just hours ago, but how could he believe he meant it?

"I don't. I'm… sorry. I didn't mean it."

Sam just smiled bitterly, staring at his lap. "There's no reason to apologize, Dean. You have every right to think that. And for what it's worth, I wish you hadn't made that deal, either."

Dean closed his eyes for a while. His little brother was so messed up.

"Sam, listen to me. I don't wish I had never made the deal", he said slowly and clearly. "You need to understand. Nothing would ever make me regret the decision I made. Got it?"

Sam's nod was barely visible, but it was there. Dean continued: "But you need to talk to me, man. Tell me what's going on."

"You wouldn't understand."

"_Make me _understand."

Sam just shook his head sadly. Dean sighed again. "Why are you so obsessed with Lilith?"

"You know why. To stop the Apocalypse."

"Yeah, I want that too but there's more to it, isn't there? I know you want revenge, but I'm here now. You don't need to revenge me."

Sam snorted. "Right. You know what the voice in my head keeps telling me?"

"No."

"It keeps repeating over and over that I should've been the one to go to Hell. That it's my fault you were there. Sometimes the voice gets too loud and I just can't breathe", he said quietly, his face lost in painful memories. "After you died and after I realized I couldn't bring you back, my only goal, the only thought keeping me sane, was trying to kill Lilith. Nothing else mattered."

Sam took a deep breath and continued: "And then there was Ruby, telling me there was a way to stop her. That she could teach me to use my powers and make me strong enough to kill her without even lifting a finger."

"But how can you trust her, Sam? She's a demon", Dean asked, a little more angrily than he'd intended. "And how could you have sex with her?"

"Nothing would dull the pain. I just wanted to forget everything just for a little while", Sam whispered, his voice barely audible. Neither of them spoke for a while.

"I can't let myself be happy you're back. I can't get used to having you by my side, when you could die on me again any minute. Then, losing you would hurt even harder", Sam continued, his eyes misty. "And I'd have to get used to being alone, again…"

"Sometimes when I wake up, I forget that you're back. The mantra starts again: ´_You couldn't save him, he's suffering in Hell for you. You couldn't save him´_", Sam said, wiping a tear off his face stubbornly.

"I'm not going anywhere, Sam", Dean answered softly and ruffled Sam's hear gently. "And I understand. You did what you had to do to survive. But dude, you've got stop with the powers and everything. It's not worth it."

Sam shook his dead firmly. "I can't stop now. I need to get strong enough to kill Lilith. And if that means I get a one-way ticket to Hell… Well, I've been doomed since I was six months old. Never had a shot."

"Sam-", Dean started a little impatiently.

"I have to do this. You're either with me or not".

"All right", Dean sighed. "I'm not happy about you using your powers, but…We'll figure this out together. "

Both of them where silent for a while.

"We don't need to hug, do we?" Sam finally smiled. "This was the worst chick flick we've had in a while."

"Well, maybe we need a chick flick now and then", Dean admitted. When Sam looked at him incredulously, he added: "Maybe, I said maybe!"

They both smiled. They weren't okay yet, but they would get there.

FIN

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A/N: There it is. I originally planned to write this from Sam's view and Sam was also supposed to tell Dean about drinking Ryby's blood but I decided not to. I didn't want to write Dean's reaction to that. :P I'm a little nervous here, if you could review and tell me what you think, I'd be more than happy. Thanks!


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